this is my first official post of 2017.
it took me some time to write it and actually get my thoughts together
because i didn’t want it to be your typical “new year, new me”
mumbo, jumbo that alot of people tend to spit out
but have absolutely no intentions of falling through with the things
first of all,
let me be the first to say
my shit ain’t all the way together
its not even partially together
i find myself coming into 2017 with yet again
another failed relationship under my belt
after running around here crazily
and happily in love
planning a future with someone
i truly thought was
nothing truly happened between
(was probably the most grown up
break-up i’ve ever had)
while i knew me moving here to jersey
was going to weigh on my personal life
i never knew
well i kind of suspected
but was naively hopeful
that it wouldn’t contribute to
but, here i am single again.
and while truly in no rush to find “the one”
the pressures of finding the one
from family members
or just being amongst my peers
who are already married.
engaged to be married.
or at least are in long-term committed relationships.
has undoubtedly lead to my
endless search of finding
and a friend said something to me one night
that kind of struck a chord
“honey, you have a habit of holding on to unhealthy relationships
for fear of looking like a failure”.
and you know what,
she was right.
in all that i do
including in my relationships.
i never want to be perceived as a failure.
i want people to know that
i have given my all.
and if something didn’t work out
if something was not “successful”
it wasn’t because
so this year
instead of “getting back in the game”
i am giving myself permission to
take myself out of the game.
no more spending time
that are undeserving of my time.
or my affection.
i am giving it all to me.
to my daughter.
and to my business.
dating no one
(and the smaller version of me of course)
for the next 365 days.
and to be honest,
this kind of scares me
because in all honesty,
i have never truly been