I almost let you back in. I almost gave you that place in my life again. I almost allowed myself to love you, like once before. And I did love you like once before. And you loved me. Unitl I realized that love just wasn’t enough anymore. That having you in my life, just wasn’t enough anymore.
I need more. I need you to be….
but, you refused to be.
I wanted you to be….
but, you just couldn’t be.
The man. THAT man.
That I deserve.
That she and I deserve.
So, I left you.
Once, again I left you.
And hopefully for good this time.
Hopefully, I won’t shed any more tears.
Waste any more time on a love that just…
On our love, that just won’t…
That’s until I see you again.
Until, we lay eyes on each other again.
Until, we are breathing the same air again.
Holding hands, and reminisicing again.
Kissing and making love again.
Because we’re both too weak.
Both too afraid…
….to move on.
Both too in love…
…to let go.
I realized something. I was in and out of relationships because I never took the time, the real time required to get over my ex. My greatest love and greatest heartbreak all wrapped up into one person. One man. And a part of me still wanted to go back. A part of me tried to go back. We tried to mend. Tried to heal. Tried to move past the hurt and the pain. The anger and the betrayal.
And for a while, it worked. For a brief moment, it seemed as if our road to reconciliation was a lot more manageable than either of us had imagined. Yet, there would be moments of doubt. Moments of mistrust and insecurity to creep up into our minds. Keeping us from truly moving on…
….and those moments would probably forever be there. Because that is what we have become.
Out of all the habits I had to break last year, he was the one that haunted me most. The one that I couldn’t let go of. The one that I couldn’t break because I was holding on to him. And he was holding on to me.
Ladies for a while I would classify my ex and me as “complicated”. And it wasn’t until someone really forced me to sit and think about why I still wanted him to have this place in my life. We were complicated because we allowed things to be complicated. We never simplified things. Even in my irritation for him, and his for me…we knew that we both still loved each other. However, we both were too stubborn and too hurt to do anything about it.
I decided to break this habit. And to put in a real attempt to find a new love to come into my life.
I didn’t reach this conclusion, however, until after attempting one last try with him. And then one day it just hit me. We are not the same people. Holding on to thoughts of how we should have been and/or could’ve been kept me wanting to repeat this cycle with him. It kept us stuck in a place we had made our own. We, as people, could save ourselves a lot of heartbreak, if we take off those “rose-colored glasses” and see things for how they are and not for how we want them to be. And I was seeing things for how I wanted them to be.
Then a reminder came. And that was the day I walked away. The day that I decided that in order for love to come into my life, I had to make room. Complete room for it and that meant letting him go. And allowing him space to in return let me go. And while I am not dating right now. I’m open….
….that’s all we can ever be is open. To allowing something new to come in and take us by surprise.