so in january i shared with you all my need to pretty much
sit the f*ck down and not be bothered with men
at this point in my life right now.
we all reach a point in our lives where we have to be
and brutally honest with ourselves.
and while i am no stranger to calling myself out on my own shit
today i hit a new revelation in realizing that i am single
while it has nothing to do with me as a person
(well maybe it does just a little bit)
i am a bit of a hard-ass
a bit strong-headed (though i dont necessarily count that as a character flaw)
have a bit of a mouth
and can be stubborn as hell.
i in the end, love too hard.
which sometimes makes me fall for
and do stupid shit.
i wear my heart on my sleeves.
result, i fall too fast.
it might not sound all bad, but
its the worst
when i allow myself to
love someone so hard
that i often times become blinded to
or overlook their inability to properly
while overlooking my own inability to properly
rant: i don’t know why women (and i single out women because duh, i am one)
think that having good looks
a girlish figure
and a vagina are enough to keep a man happy.
are enough to keep a relationship
or why we as people attribute being a “good”
person as being dating material.
let me be the first to say
it does not.
being a good person.
having a good heart
are not enough to classify you as someone worth dating
someone worth being taking seriously.
someone worth meeting an individual’s parents
or meeting their kids
someone worth building a life and future with
someone being worth asked those four life-changing words:
will you marry me?
it is NOT enough.
it does not mean that you are someone
capable of giving and receiving
none of that matters when
a) you are emotionally unavailable (and most of us are we’re just afraid to admit) or
b) when your shit aint together
(and by shit i mean your ability to take care of yourself without the codependency of another human being)
at this point in my life.
i am single.
for the first time.
i’m going to spare you the whole
“im single by choice” lie some of us often tell ourselves.
i am single because at this point in my life i know
that i have absolutely NOTHING to offer anybody.
i can’t even offer you friendship right now.
there is nothing i can do for you
but give you a hearty handshake
and some well wishes on your search to find whatever it is you are looking for
because i can tell you
it is not with me.
i am completely
there are no “potential baes”
no “best friends” to hang out with
no one to call when i am lonely
or take me out when i need male “companionship”
right now it is just me.
my girlfriends, who’s nerves i probably get one
(but they love me too much to say.)
my daughter who needs her mother.
and my life that desperately needs piecing together.
i haven’t had a single date with a man in 5 months,
haven’t had sex.
haven’t been held.
no one to call me at night.
send the cute little texts that often gave me butterflies.
none of that.
my phone is dry.
i’ve been approached.
“hit” on (and i am actually proud at myself for the ability to say)
nothing is on the table.
my well is dry.
when talking with my best friend a few weeks ago
she expressed to me how proud she was of me to really be sticking with
and holding true to my no-dating rule for the remainder of 2017.
and while i thanked her for recognizing my dedication
i rebutted with the question:
what do i have to offer to anyone right now?
i am in a brand new-ish city.
i am living with my aunt.
(thank god for family because rent is high AF)
my daughter (though i see her when i want to)
…this battle that always seems to be near-end
takes a turn.
my finances, struggling?
i am in no shape, form or fashion
prepared to give myself to someone else
when i am still finding my footing in this world.
when i still have emotional baggage to deal with.
when i still have people to forgive,
i have a daughter who has been without her mother
the last two years
and regardless of the reason
she needs to feel like my priority.
my only priority.
and while some of you may be judging me as you’re reading this
questioning me as a person.
as a mother.
the decisions i may or may not have made me
to land me where i am right now.
if the shoe were on the other foot,
i’d probably be raising my eyebrow in judgement too
but i am unashamed.
because i am human.
i have imperfections.
i am flawed.
and instead of carrying on the vicious cycle
of blaming men for relationships i knew were not going to work
but decided to pursue anyway.
i’m sitting the f*ck down.
and after the reading this
i’m sure some of you will need to do the same.
(i hope some of you will do the same.)
but you aren’t brave enough to be alone
because being alone
means tackling your own demons.
and who wants to voluntarily do that?
when its so easy to blame someone else.
who wants to say “i am the reason why….?”
well guess what,
my name is brianne patrice cash
and i am the reason.
the only reason.