because i could not live up to….
you could not live up to….
we could not live up to…
the bare minimum.
standard (noun): something established by authority, custom, or general consent as a model or example: something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality
What Being Single Taught Me About Standards
Know Your Non-Negotiables
Know what the fuck you will and will not tolerate in your relationships and THEN stick to it. I made excuses for the men in my life. Often times I found myself being a hypocrite to my own words. Knowing what I would not tolerate, what I should not have tolerated, but still running an open door policy for them to come back. For them to get away without guilt or shame because I offered no real consequence or action of recourse. Still offering up my love to them and begging for love in return because I was too afraid to stick up for self. I was too afraid to say no; too afraid to tell them to go. Too afraid to leave because I was afraid of being alone.
I wanted love merely to forget, to fill a void.
That old saying, “to get over one, get under a new one”. No sis. To get over one requires a commitment to you, to your happiness and peace of mind. It requires you to show up for yourself in knowing that you deserve someone who is capable of loving you in a proper and respectable manner.
Standards are a Reflection of Value and Self-Love
I didn’t understand this until recently. See, I’m still learning on this journey but it dawned on me that we accept little because we require and/or expect little. Some of us are so broken from our pasts that we set no real standard for a man to enter into our lives. We allow society to tell us that we are “asking for too much” and that IF maybe, MAYBE if we lower our expectations then we just might find our “prince charming”. Well, I say fuck that.
We don’t tell men to lower their standards. We don’t tell men that they are asking for too much, often times they require more from us. They are demanding of us. And we should be demanding of them.
Setting your standard, whatever that is and looks like to you, will require you to find comfort in being alone. Not everyone is going to what do what is required of them. Not everyone is going to want to put in the work and it is in that moment that you know and understand you have no room for them. Your life holds no place for them. Continue to wait for that person who is willing to properly put in the time and rightly do the work.
I didn’t understand any of this during my season of recklessness. We can attribute that too naivete. Being young, dumb and stupid. We can attribute that to brokenness and lying to oneself. But we are older now. I am older now. And it’s time we do better. It’s time we reflect the love we want to attract.
Don’t demand what you can’t in turn deliver.
Show up for yourself, sis.
Speak up for your happiness.
No one else can free you.